The Panic Attack That Made Me Rethink Everything

Posted by Julia | 6 min read

It happened in a Starbucks on a Tuesday afternoon, completely out of nowhere.

I was sitting there working on a school assignment, totally normal day, when suddenly I couldn't breathe. My heart was racing, I felt dizzy, and I was convinced I was having a heart attack or dying or both.

The rational part of my brain knew it was probably a panic attack, but when you're in the middle of one, rational thinking doesn't help much.

A barista came over to check on me, and I couldn't even explain what was happening. I just kept saying "I can't breathe" and probably looking terrified.

They called 911, which was mortifying but probably the right call since I genuinely thought I might be dying. The paramedics were really nice and helped me understand what was happening.

But sitting in that ambulance, trying to answer questions about my stress levels and life circumstances, I realized I couldn't be honest about what was causing my anxiety.

"Any major life changes or stressors recently?" the EMT asked.

What was I supposed to say? That I'd been doing escort work for eight months and the constant secrecy, safety concerns, and social isolation were probably catching up with me psychologically?

So I made up some story about school pressure and family issues, which wasn't entirely untrue but wasn't the real problem either.

That night, lying in bed after spending four hours in the emergency room, I had to confront the fact that this work was affecting my mental health in ways I'd been ignoring.

The constant vigilance about safety, the stress of living a double life, the isolation from not being able to talk to anyone about work problems - it was all building up and I hadn't even noticed.

I started seeing a therapist after that, which created its own challenges because finding someone who wouldn't judge me for sex work took forever.

The first therapist I tried clearly had issues with what I did, even though she tried to hide it. She kept steering conversations toward "exploring other options" and asking if I'd "considered the long-term consequences" of my choices.

The second one was better but didn't really understand the unique stresses of this work. She treated it like any other job-related anxiety, which missed the point entirely.

I finally found someone who specializes in working with sex workers and other marginalized populations. She actually gets it - the safety concerns, the stigma, the isolation, all of it.

Working with her has helped me realize that the panic attack wasn't random. It was my body's way of telling me that I needed better coping strategies for the psychological challenges of this work.

I've learned breathing techniques for when I feel overwhelmed, ways to manage the constant hypervigilance about safety, and strategies for dealing with the isolation without losing my mind.

The panic attack was scary, but it was also a wake-up call that I needed to take the mental health aspects of this work more seriously.

I'm still doing New York escort work, but I'm more aware now of how it affects me psychologically and more proactive about managing those effects.

Sometimes your body knows what your mind is trying to ignore.